When in Doubt, Reach Out
On talking with kids, talking to strangers and talking with old friends
One of the reasons why I like kids so much is the unfiltered way in which they see the world. They generally say what’s on their mind without too much worry about how it will be perceived by others. For example, the other day, James, my 8-year-old said, “I wish I was a hot dog so I could eat myself.” This statement prompted me to ask him how it would work if he had to use the restroom. He had no answer for that.
This was funny not because of his desire to be a hot dog, but because James has never been much of a meat person. His true love lies in carbs. Pastas, breads, crackers—you name it, he loves it. His second love is dairy, followed closely by sweets. The former I let him eat, the latter not so much. Meanwhile, Lily, my 12-year-old, will eat whatever. I suppose I have the best of both worlds.
I was going to tell you all about my baking adventures this week, but life got in the way. I’ve been busy with some personal projects, one of which is a virtual externship I’m doing to learn more about the financial planning profession. It’s a lot to learn but I think perhaps that is where my true desire lies…having those deep, meaningful conversations with people, and if you know me, then you know how much I like talking about money.
All of which is to say that I want to learn how to talk to people again, more than just the basic conversations that one has in public, where you nod along and pretend to be as agreeable as possible, something I did recently with a stranger at work. In reviewing the interaction afterwards, I thought if I had to rate myself, I’d say that I was “very passive and agreeable,” which are not exactly characteristics that garner bragging rights.
Friends, I have basically forgotten how to talk to people. This is mainly due to the fact that I spent the majority of the pandemic working fully remote. I saw people through a screen rather than in real life. I had a job where I never met my supervisor or any of my colleagues. And when I looked around me, all I saw was a dark room, thanks to my proclivity to work in the dark, a dog who slept most of the day and therefore, made no noise, and windows that looked out toward a wide, gray expanse filled with persistent rain and chills. I lost the ability to function in public.
During the pandemic, I also read a book called The Power of Regret by Dan Pink, an author I’ve been following for years. I loved all of his books and this is perhaps his most powerful one yet. In the book, Pink talked about the top five categories of regrets that people have, collected from his extensive surveys and research, and one of them is the regret over not reaching out to old friends or loved ones. Usually, when they realize this, it is too late.
This thought came back to my mind the other day as I was browsing Facebook in an attempt to sell some old furniture. Facebook told me that I was still friends with Steph, a gal I met years ago when we both worked for a credit union.
I don’t recall how or why Steph and I became friends. After all, she and I are total opposites. She’s tall; I’m short. She hates camping; I love camping. She gets her hair and nails done practically every month; I get it done once a year. And yet, we connected in some way, and saw each other semi-regularly even after she left the credit union.
Obviously, life happened. I became a mom and thus, busy with my kids and myself. We saw each other less and less. So when I realized I could still message her on Facebook, I decided to reach out and apologize for that “thing about the wedding.”
The thing about the wedding happened in 2016, the year Steph got married. She had asked me to be part of her wedding party but instead of telling her that I didn’t want that kind of responsibility, I simply said, “Yeah…sure” then ghosted her. Long story short, I showed up to her wedding but was not a bridesmaid.
As I wrote in my last post, we don’t always know when we’re being a bad friend. Only when we look inward do we see the light. I fully expected Steph to ghost me as well, to not respond at all. Surprisingly, she did. She was glad to hear from me, she said. We began texting and half an hour later, had a lunch date scheduled.
From this interaction, I learned three things:
Do not assume that people don’t want to hear from you.
We’re all just waiting for the other person to make the first move.
When in doubt, you should be the person who makes the first move.
Have you reached out to an old friend or loved one lately? If not, perhaps you should. Worse case scenario: they ignore you. If that happens, don’t be offended. They may simply be busy. You cannot read people’s true intentions through silence, at least not through a screen anyway.
Delightful Discovery of the Week
Wisdom from Marcus Aurelius
This quote from Marcus Aurelius came from The 5 Types of Wealth by Sahil Bloom, (which I wrote about in my last post) and it’s a stunner. Start your day off with this and you’ll be set for the rest of the day.
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There’s a certain physics to human interaction. An object in motion tends to remain in motion, an object at rest remains that way unless counteracted in some way. The second part seems to apply to friendships as well—nothing happens unless you make it happen, as you did when you reached out to your friend. Bravo, Hoang! We (me!) could all learn a thing or two from you. I’m curious about the baking experiments too!😘
I live with someone (hint: it’s my husband) who quite frequently makes the comment that so and so hasn’t been in touch for ages. I always say, but have you contacted them? We often wonder why we lose touch with people without taking responsibility for our role in maintaining friendships. Good on you for reaching out to your friend.