On other possible lives

Some good things I've read lately

In December 2020, The New Yorker published an article written by staff writer Joshua Rothman titled “What If You Could Do It All Over?” The question/title explores the myriad ways into the unknown, one that could lead to a philosophical debate about how things could be better or different than what we are currently experiencing.

My favorite part was this quote:

“Most of us aren’t haunted so acutely by the people we might have been. But, perhaps for a morning or a month, our lives can still thrum with the knowledge that it could have been otherwise. “You may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife,” David Byrne sings, in the Talking Heads song “Once in a Lifetime.” “And you may ask yourself, ‘Well, how did I get here?’ ”

Furthermore, he adds:

“It used to be that, for the most part, people lived the life their parents had, or the one that the fates decreed. Today, we try to chart our own courses. The difference is reflected in the stories we tell ourselves.”

It got me thinking about these questions:

Why do we always want what we can’t have?

Why is it so hard to tell (and accept) our own story as it is?

As for me…I’m generally a positive person. Or I’d like to think so. I have a home, money in the bank, retirement accounts, two kids and a spouse. I have enough clothes and food. I have a job that I love. On the surface, there really isn’t anything that’s inherently wrong about my life.

But like many, I have a slight case of impostor syndrome. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop. One day, someone will get into an accident. My house might burn down. Someone will be scammed out of all our money. One or both of my kids will get sick…and endless possibilities that may or may not ever happen.

We can’t live our lives like this—waiting for potential perilous situations to appear. I’m trying to ‘live in the moment’ as they say. Meanwhile, I’m fascinated and happy to learn about other people’s lives.

To answer the questions above, I’m going to use examples from three different stories (or lives) that I read about recently. All of these individuals’ stories are amazing and stunned me and they’ve helped me come to terms with things I cannot change, and to embrace what I can.

Helen Longstreth

“Somewhere through one of these delicious meals, I’d forget that I was angry.”

“However glumly he peeled the potatoes or manically he banged the pots, it was his way to redeem himself, to bring order to what he felt inside,” wrote Helen in The New Yorker. Longstreth’s essay about growing up with an academic father who was also manically depressed with alcoholism struck an emotional nerve for me, as I also grew up with a dad who turned to the bottle to dull his pains.

Despite her father’s manic episodes and drinking (and inability to keep his job, which I can relate to), the one respite he had was the kitchen. “I don’t think that he could have ever imagined, during those joyous meals at his Harvard co-op, how important cooking would become for him,” she wrote. “That instead of lectures or academic papers, his life would be held together by shopping lists, school pickups, and mealtimes. That making dinner for his family would be what got him through the day.”

A beautiful essay that makes you think about all the ways the food feeds the soul as well as those around you. That the kitchen is both a wonderful place to express oneself, to explore new recipes but also a good place to escape.

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Antonia Angress

“No one ever tells you,” she said, “how fun it is getting old.”

Antonia Angress, author of the new book Sirens & Muses, grew up in Costa Rica, the daughter of a Jewish mother from an elite background and a father who once lived in Costa Rica. As a toddler, her parents decided to give her and her siblings a different life. “My mother always said she wanted to give me a happier childhood than the one she had,” she wrote in the July/August 2022 edition of Poets & Writers magazine, an essay titled “How My Mother’s Art Shaped Me As A Writer.”

The problem is—she never felt completely at home in Costa Rica. Straddled between two worlds—she was neither Costa Rican or fully Jewish—she felt alone and alienated as a child. As a kid, she smirked at her mother’s quiet resolve as an artist. But as an adult who decided to embark on a creative life (similar to her mother), she realized that perhaps there may be some advantages to that carefree lifestyle after all. Upon reflection, she wrote:

“Living between worlds can feel like living nowhere. But the skills my childhood taught me—code-switching, shape-shifting, finding points of connection across language, culture and nationality—have proved essential to the art of fiction.”

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Edith Eger

“It takes work to be average.”

Edith Eger is an Auschwitz survivor. That fact alone makes her a superhuman, in my opinion. But what she wrote in her book The Gift: 12 Lessons to Save Your Life gave me a new perspective on mindset and privilege, that underneath suffering and trauma, there is something to be treasured.

Eger was only sixteen when she was rounded up with her family to Auschwitz. Her parents were murdered upon arrival, and while she and her sister survived, what she experienced at camp would stay with her for the rest of her life. It’s not the kind of life that anyone would wish to have. And yet…she’s found ways to overcome all the atrocities that were thrown at her.

I’d like to say that she found opportunity and privilege, but in reality, she made it happen, starting with her mindset. In the book she wrote,

“When hopelessness overwhelmed me, I’d think of what my mother had told me in the dark, crowded cattle car on our way to prison: “We don’t know where we’re going. We don’t know what’s going to happen. Just remember, no one can take away what you’ve put in your mind.”

There are so many good nuggets of wisdom from the book, things that helped me realize how fortune can come with different faces, in different ways. Just because something doesn’t appear to be good (i.e. a privilege) doesn’t mean it can’t be. So I’ll leave you with this—a recipe for a life well-lived.

“What’s the legacy you want to pass on? We can’t choose what our ancestors did, or what was done to them. But we get to create the recipe that’s handed down. Write a recipe for a life well-lived. Take the good things from your family’s past and add your own ingredients. Give the next generation something delicious and nourishing to build on.”

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Thanks for reading. As always, I appreciate you scrolling all the way down. I didn’t really have a story for you this week, as I’ve been busy with work! Writing for work feels so different, and so satisfying. I’m sure I’ll get disgruntled at some point and might complain, but for now, I’m living in the moment, as they say, and lovin’ it!

Food (and non-food) bits

It’s only been two weeks since I began working full time as a freelance writer. So far, I’ve had a load of fun with the articles I’ve written. Plus, there are perks that I never knew existed! Hope you enjoy these:

🍬Tamarind candies! Need I say more? These were a staple snack in my childhood. Here’s why tamarind candies are awesome.

😋Many of us have had Kettle Chips. But did you know they’re not just a company based in Oregon?

🍛If you’ve ever been curious about proper shopper etiquette when it comes to buying food from the prepared food delis, here’s a guide for you.

🍜Ethnic grocers are doing all sorts of creative things to try to replicate online the social experience that one gets from shopping at a physical storefront. Here’s some examples.

📧I’ve gotten quite a few PR emails about this…why so many brands are collaborating on limited edition products. It was fascinating to get some ‘expert’ perspectives on why it’s been happening.

🎵Ever eat at Applebee’s? Here’s something you may not know—they’ve changed their branding to become one for the ‘younger’ generations…and it involves music.

🫐Fun fact: Oregon has huckleberries. So does Idaho, Washington, Montana and Wyoming. But for some reason, many of us living in the Pacific Northwest has never seen one nor know much about it. I’ll give you a rundown here.

☕️A while ago, I tried Turkish coffee for the first time, and I was so enamored by it I had to learn more about it…and write about it too. Let me tell you—it’s amazing. Go out and try it now. You won’t regret it.

🍨Speaking of delightful things, check out this slideshow about the world’s best fruit-based dessert drinks. I curated the list for you to salivate over. You’re welcome.

🎧My kids and I have been listening to this podcast called Brightside and I feel nerdy but cool learning about all these different topics. Like ‘8 Easy Ways to Make Your Teeth Whiter at Home’ or ‘See How Your Birthday Tells Everything About You’ Highly recommended.

Book rec

📚In addition to the aforementioned three stories above, I also started reading two (very different) books by AAPI authors. Both are different and excellent in their own way. Can’t wait to finish these!

• Forbidden City by Vanessa Hua tells the story of a peasant girl during the 1960s Cultural Revolution in China and how she became part of his “troupe.” The language is descriptive and brutal (in a good way) and helps me connect with the protagonist right away.

• The Verifiers by Jane Pek is a tale about a modern Chinese woman who has a bunch of secrets…mainly where she works, but who she is on the inside. Part mystery, part family story, I loved Pek’s descriptions of family dynamics right at the beginning and how it shapes the characters’ identities.

In case you missed it…

• On uncertainties and unknowns

• On food identity and preservation

• On war, survival and privilege

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